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All Me
Aug. 12th, 2005
09:37 pm
Arizona-born there;Florida;Georgia;Maine; Massachusetts; North Carolina-been there; South Carolina;Vermont;the list is slowly getting smaller!
What state will i pick, for the rest of my life to begin?
09:31 pm
I dont know if i can get through this.. Im at home an dits making everything worse.
I hate the fact that i was raped, for months at atime bysomeone who "loved " me... that was over a year ago. i've been in a GOOD relationship since then, that ended on it's own terms and not related toanything.. so why is it sneaking back up on me now?
why am i stuck here.
why do i have horrible night mares.
Why oh fucking why
i've lost 70lbs.. and now i'm gaining weight back. almost apound a day. i'm scared and more stressed out than ever. i dont know if i'll make it the measly 16 days. I honestly dont know. I dont want to die, i just dont want to be here. I'm not suicidal, I 'm just crazy and want to get out of this god damn rat box.
why do ihave to be the only adult here? Why am I my parents adult figure.
why can't i get an apt
Why am i goodlooking and single?
why do i attrack freaky retards or commitment freaks, and emotionallyEpt men
Why do i feel more confident in myself, and happier than ever.. and still can't wait to claw my eyes out in hopes that it will get me to be in the hospital for 2 weeks and out of here
I can't write, i want stop eating, i can't eat at the same time, i can 't draw i can't read
i cant even cry
Jan. 31st, 2005
12:24 am - Aum
back at school..forgot about this journal.lol
still at 183.5-185 *oops...lehman*
classes going okay... like UPANISHADS book..
I miss having someone to talk to though.. but then, I guess I've always missed that. I miss someone who can hold an inteligable conversation.. (and who can tell me how to really spell intelligable). and it wouldn't be horrible if I could watch movies with said person...and cuddle til class in the AM.
^_^
I've been listening to guitar music again.. oye
not much to write. got my single, ITS SO BIG! and nice, and clean!
i got my ddr pads working..so i play occasionally. i have few (suckage) songs..and I need to get a life.. because I'm just sad enough that I dressed up to go read in the library.
I guess it's a good thing i did though... I'm trying to get a job there, and the *hopeful "future boss" was there.. and I ran into someone from last semester. He makes me nervous though... he has an exceptional mind. I wonder if he knows it?..probably.
I am behind, it's the first week. I'll probably head to the library after 5ish to read tomorrow..maybe I'll enlighten myself to the wonders of... history & psychology...(i wish i could take more philosophy courses..psychology is deadening me in side)
I drew a picture... Adult Pegasus & Chibi-Usa Chan *Rini*
it's nice. now all i have to do is shade it.
I 'll write more poetry i think.. It's been a very very long time, but i think that i'm ready...i've been inspired by the book i'm reading. Hopefully I'll have some decent things to say, in the best way to say them. I get soo toungue twisted with words, etc.
ESPECIALLY around boyz;P
I am an outgoing anti-social, social person.. Go figure. I think i'm going to lay down and listen to some music... and try REALLY hard to relax...and let go!!
I wish, that for once that someone would ask ME out... and someone-that i 'd like to go out with.
i dont want to wear the lonely blinders anymore.. i want someone who i can carry a conversation with... and watch Awesome films! *hearts to Eternal Sunshine in the Spotless Mind** i really do enjoy that movie:D
mmjoy joy.. night!
Jan. 17th, 2005
11:17 pm
okadoodalie!
yesterday 188:D!!
today.. the same SO
i ate. and ate and ate. a..and ate again:D some more!
actually itwas a "normal" person's day with breakfast, lunch and dinner.. pff too many carbs.. stopped after 150.. usually under 10.. highest.. 20ish.. today, bad. but new goal\rewards!
180: FUN NESS anda low carb breaded SANDWHICH!:D and salad from heaven.. the biggest one i could dream of
177: DRINKING PARTY! more so, movies with friends and some alcoholic beverages.. its 'hard though. i can only invite 21 yr. or older to this one: ( i know, college.. but.. well, i got to keep it on the low for this "party"..usually the 21yro are more mature and not apt to get crazy loud and rough:D
hope everyone's days are well:D
Jan. 15th, 2005
10:50 pm
total days on vacation diet:
dec 20- jan 15
Screw up days: 5 (+2lbs for each screw up day.ggrrr.)
weigh in started : 227
weigh in now: 189
total lost: 38lbs
total this week: -5lbs
WOW i love this:D thinner me
Jan. 14th, 2005
12:51 am
I was in extreme pain, nausea and passing out.. 4-4:30.. 20minutes of pain, nausea, sweating while being cold and hot.. i dont know what' swrong.. this time it was different.
Jan. 6th, 2005
Jan. 5th, 2005
Jan. 3rd, 2005
06:48 pm - Hi
My name's Amber. You should already know me if you have this journal name. i'm not too good on updating, but in all hopes after the 22nd of january I will have internet more readily available for me.
So in most recent news, i have no idea whether i'm transfering or not.. or to where. I know that if i am to transfer i need to do it NOW for this coming fall. We'll see.
I am hiring a friend to make me my dream dress. (not a wedding dress-ew) just a dress. A gift to myself for losing weight, getting passing grades in college, and just overall to spoil me:) woot.
If i ever get the model's body right i'll post some scans.. but well-certainly not my body :)
if anyone wants a dress like this, i'm sure she wouldn't have a problem making it. it might be fairly costly. she doesn't use a sewing machine:) taht's what i like though. better stitches.
easy semester coming up, i hope i have lots of fun.